Idols Time Warp – February 9, 1964
Posted on | April 16, 2007 | No Comments
9 Feburary 1964
York Broadcast Network (YBN) Presents….
Welcome to the very first Idols Time Warp programme. We’ve traveled to the Colonies so that our panel of distinguished judges can provide their assessment of a new pop music phenomenon. Four young lads, subjects of HRM Elizabeth, from Liverpool are shaking things up overseas. Tonight’s programme comes to us from a studio at 30 Rockefeller Center, New York, New York, USA. Our host is Reggie Sturgeonfish, famous star from the YBN reality show “Ugly Boyfriends I’d Never Marry.â€
Reggie:
Tonight’s special guests have taken the world by storm, selling millions of vinyl records, and are beginning their invasion of America. But first, let’s introduce the important people… our judges. Bouncing through time, Simeon Cruel has has served as the slavemaster on a Roman Galley, a thumb twister/nail ripper during the Spanish Inquisition, and the inventor of 1980s German techno-pop.
Simeon:
(Snarls, and strokes his hair.) I’m so happy to be here on the first programme of Idols Time Machine, because it gives me the opportunity to tell millions about something very important… myself. I was born … [Editors note: 35 pages of the transcript deleted here. We felt safe in doing so because Simeon can’t read.]
Reggie:
Paulina Sinbad once married an aging rock star who died of an overdose of Boston Creme Pie, she now hawks her own line of beauty products on late-night infomercials between ITW episodes.
Paulina:
(Caresses cheek) Sinbad Sinful Skin Solution keeps me smooth and silky. My cheeks are as soft and moist as my…
Reggie:
Er… Our last judge, Dandy Jacknife, is down with it, dawg, you know what I’m talkin’ about? Dandy is a session musician who has played with every major entertainer in the known universe. One of his dearest memories is playing backup on clavinet for W.A. Mozart.
Dandy:
If it’s music, I know it, dawg. As they say in the biz, it’s good, or it’s not good. I know good when I hear it.
Reggie:
Thanks, judges. I’m sure the world-wide audience is thrilled to meet you all. (Looks to the audience…) And now, our musical guests for the evening. In less than three hours, they’ll be appearing on the Ed Sullivan Show, broadcast to the entire United States, but WE HAVE THEM FIRST! John, Paul, George… and Richard… in a band named after insects… The Beatles…
[Editor’s Note: Copyright law prohibits us from including the lyrics or music from the songs played. However, here is a summary of the action:
John smiles, winks and sings. We think his guitar is German, it has a German sounding name Rickensomething… Sorry girls, John is married.
It is really too bad that we cannot post the song lyrics here, because no one in the theater can hear them. No one can hear the band either, for some reason instead of being filled with human beings, the audience is almost entirely fourteen-year-old girls. They scream, and scream, and…. [Editor’s note within the Editor’s note: Sorry, we digress]
Paul is playing a small violin backwards. He shakes his head a lot and says O-o-o-o-oh. Each shake of his unstylishly long locks extracts a new frenzy from the throng.
George is quiet. He plays a guitar [the Editor wonders why there are no real instruments, like a Bassoon or Flugle horn, in the band] that looks bigger than he is, and smiles a lot.
Richard, the drummer, is the least attractive of the four young men. [If the Editor caught this young man with his fourteen-year-old daughter, there would be hell to pay.] He calls himself Ringy or something. [Editor: why can’t you just use the name your parents gave you?]
The music has stopped and an hour later the girls have stopped screaming. Now we can continue wit the programme.]
Reggie:
Well, boys, that was simply amazing. Just think how good it would have been if we could have heard you.
John:
You know that’s been…
Reggie:
Let’s go to someone who has something important to say… Judge Dandy Jacknife. Dandy?
Dandy:
Paul, dawg! What’s with the backwards violin? Is that supposed to be a bass? I’ve played bass. I played bass for both David Bowie and Wolfie Mozart. None of ‘em looked like that. Why backwards? Didn’t anybody tell your parents that with the right amount of discipline and punishment, your left-handedness could be corrected?
Paulina:
(Arches her back to accentuate her chestical endowments as she speaks.) Peter?
Paul:
It’s Paul.
Paulina:
Ok, Patrick…
Paul:
It’s Paul.
Paulina:
Whatever, and what’s with the head shaking thing? Do you have an ear infection? I have a yellow Labrador retriever who shakes his head like that when he has an ear infection.
Paul:
It’s just a thing I do, ya know. The girls seem to like it.
Simeon:
What is with the accent? Does HRM Elizabeth know that you’re traveling the world, representing the Empire, and speaking in a voice that reeks of the working class?
Paul:
It’s just a thing we do, ya know. The girls seem to like it.
Dandy:
Simeon, dawg. What’s with this British class thing. Look around you. You’re in New York City… My town… These four boys are about to go on the tube in front of the greatest audience in the world… American teenagers. [Editor’s note: American teenagers seem to watch the telly more hours per week than anyone else in the world.]
Simeon:
On the tube? How much of an audience can you put in an underground rail car?
Paulina, Dandy:
Huh?
Simeon:
You said they were going on the tube. The tube. T-U-B-E… trains… underground… how do you Americans say… DUH??
Dandy:
You’re an idiot, dawg. A tube is a subway???
Paulina:
(Snorts) How fun! Does that mean a subway SNAFU during rush hour means having your tubes tied???? (snork, snork, snork…)
Dandy:
(to Simeon) The tube is a television, you pompous British ass!
Simeon:
Oh, the telly…
Paulina:
Telly Savalas? I loved Kojak! Did you ever see the one where Dabney Coleman had hair and wanted to blow up his cranky wife? Who loves ya, baby?
Reggie:
We’re running sort. We’d like to have interviewed all of the band members, but it’s highly unlikely that these four unkempt young lads have a future in the business, so why waste everybody’s time. Closing words from the judges?
Simeon:
Your songs are rubbish. Your playing is terrible, and your drummer looks odd. I think Her Majesty would be ashamed to have you representing Great Britain. Go back to art school or wherever it was you came from.
Dandy:
Ignore Simeon… he’s full of himself… and himself is crap! Nice work on the funny looking violin, even if you do play it backwards, Paul. George, your smile and quiet way are cute, but American girls will never go for it. They want a take-charge dawg. John, forget the snide comments or your career is toast. Your drummer looks odd.
Paulina:
(Stretches… leans back) What hotel are you in, boys? I might need a little help with a Brazilian bikini wax a little later tonight.
Reggie:
With that… next week. We’ll be back in Clovis, New Mexico on February 25, 1957 to hear another pop group named after insects… the Crickets.
Good night!
Idols Time Warp is a production of York Broadcast Network, a figment of the Chalice imagination…. Copyright 2007 Ron Chalice, all rights reserved.
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